Melt down.

This past week has been tough. As great as surviving a week back in school is plain and simple it was tough.

I struggled everyday trying to accomplish homework but also keep my apartment in tider circumstances then it had been seeing. Having a 16 month old makes that a daily process. I also have been trying to get dinner on the table at a decent time. Then add working out and I'm choosing to stay up so that I don't neglect Kenneth too much during the day. Plus Tim gets in an I'm back in school attitude and completely forgets that I'm in school too and need help! I remind him over and over again. This is why I need to get done with school quickly!

This past week on Sunday was especially hard. I sat there between classes walking Kenneth around and realized I have no one that I feel comfortable going up to and just start talking, that was in there. Then add cranky baby boy who woke up way before he should have and you get frustrated mom that just wants to cry. But holds back, since Sacrament is last. For a fleeting moment I ask Tim if we can please just go home. He agrees seeing that I'm on the verge of tears, doesn't help that cramps are upon me and I foolishly left for church with out taking anything. But I decide we should stay to take the sacrament.

Get home and I get in the routine of making dinner, secretly mad at myself for not inviting anyone over from our ward so we can get to know someone. Then I go about just enjoying the rest of my day. Until bedtime.

I lay in bed and chat with my sister, via Facebook, there the waterworks really start. Although she has no clue this is happening. Then my best friend, then I get off knowing I should just go to sleep and everything will be better in the morning.

That's where it gets worse. I think about having no friends in this new ward. Then I think about Kenneth and how he's not walking and how he's almost to nursery age and I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of him. I thought I would be almost to the finish line of having another baby to love on and would be so anxious to have him in nursery so that I could enjoy most of church without a little baby. But now I realize he's going to leave and I'll have no one to sit by and to keep me entertained while I semi-listen to church.

This of course leads to me being sad about not having that sweet baby still inside of me, and wondering why, why can't have another baby to love, why can't my deepest desire to have another baby be realized? Am I not doing what I should? Am I not a good enough mother to Kenneth? I feel rejected, plain and simple.

So many times in my life I have felt this way, it's the biggest reason I'm scared to make friends. What if they don't like me? What if they do at first then I say something and never talk to them again?

I want that sweet baby to love on as much as I can or want to. I want to feel better about myself. I know my life could be so much worse. But I still question why.

Tim doesn't quite understand these feelings, no matter how hard I try to explain them. He's always good at consoling and just letting me let out my feelings.

This takes one day at a time, I have realized. Maybe I'll never be whole again , but maybe it will just be seeing those to bright lines saying you're going to be a mom again. Then the ultrasound confirming that is the case.

Please next baby stick around, I want you, your dad wants you, and your big brother will even love on you. As will lots of extended family members love on you too.

There is something I need to learn from all of this, I know. When I figure it out I'll let you know.