Lost for words

I have something that I have to write, only to help me, it's not meant as a way for people to feel sorry for me or Tim, I just want to get my feelings out and to maybe let those people in my life not in the know, know what's been going on.

I was pregnant briefly around the time of the Wedding, only I didn't know for sure if I was or not. Just had a strong feeling that I was, but for various reasons didn't worry about taking a test until we were back home. The main reason I didn't have a car to get to a store to buy one. The day we got back we went to the store to do some grocery shopping and pick up a test there. Then I waited until Saturday morning. I debated even taking the test, sure that my period must be late and the pregnancy like symptoms must be coincidence. But alas I decided I needed to know. Then the very faint positive line came up just like when I found out with Kenneth. I was at a lost for emotions, wasn't sure if I was happy or sacred more. Mostly I thought this can't be true. So I left the stick thinking that the line must be fake and went back to bed. When I got up again, I look and the line is darker, confirming. I then tell Tim and he too isn't sure how to feel. I go throughout the rest of the day like normal just trying to eat enough so I can keep the nausea at bay. This is the day we watched Harry Potter with our friends.
Fast forward to Monday the 27th of August I go about the day and am still eating to keep the nausea away, then at one point I notice a little pink when I went to the bathroom but not much at all so I talk to mom about it and she said it could be nothing, so I unfortunately have to wait it out. During the conversation I start to bawl, which I feel silly doing but mom doesn't care and understands. The rest of the day I don't notice anything else until late that night when I'm still awake while Tim's sound asleep. I notice some brownish discharge nothing major and I know I still have to wait. But I go back to bed and start crying, pretty sure that I'm at the start of a miscarriage, but could still be nothing. I wake Tim up because I soon realize there's no way I'll be falling asleep with in my head. He gives me a blessing and although it did comfort me I knew just then that I was miscarrying, but didn't have anything more to show for it and eventually fell asleep.
The next morning, I am awoken by Kenneth crying, which doesn't usually happen until much later, Tim usually takes care of him after his shower or before so that I can sleep. I'm was a little annoyed, but seeing Kenneth smile when he sees me make it worth it. So then I go to the bathroom and there it is bright red blood. Tim's out of the shower at this point and so he helps me out. I go back to bed and just lay next to Kenneth, wishing to fall back asleep, hoping it was just a dream. But sleep in no way comes. Tim leaves for work because he only has two weeks left to work at the school. I then call my parents, mom is thankfully still home and we talk, she says I could still be ok but chances are I'm miscarrying, I cry some more, she has to leave for work and hands the phone to dad. Which was good, he helped me stop crying and reminded me that it was in no way my fault, which I know is the case but it's still hard. We talk for a good long while and then I call Elizabeth. She doesn't pick up at first but calls me back and we talk some more, she's such a help and keeps me plenty distracted so that I don't just cry and cry at home "alone". After getting off the phone with her I call the doctor and they are able to get me in that morning.

I have our friends the Welch's watch Kenneth, and with Leah being one of my visiting teachers I figure if anyone should find out in the ward it's her. They're great and help comfort me before I head off to the doctor. Once I'm at the doctor's office I feel like everything is taking forever! The doctor comes in and we talk for a little bit but he ultimately decides that I need an ultrasound done before they can say what's happening. So in we go to the ultrasound, and it's clear to me that she's not finding what they should be finding, but she doesn't say anything until the end. So then the doctor comes in and we talk but mostly I feel relieve to know that's what happening.

This experience is weird, I feel so sad but to be honest this pregnancy was a surprise for us. We're still figuring out when we want our next one. When I would've been due with this one would've made my plans to go to school in the spring near impossible. I know I would've loved this sweet little baby and will love our next one no matter when they come. Heavenly Father really does know what's best and I'm thankful that I had the miscarriage happened  when it did instead of later when I would have been in school. It helped me realize just how much of a miracle it really is to have Kenneth here. Plus it helped bring Tim and I closer together. I love him so much and I know whatever happens I can trust that the Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will help me through it.