Sorry I'm posting yet another sad post. I was hoping it wouldn't be this way and really Kenneth being sick isn't that sad more frustrating since he can't always say what's wrong and I have to go off instinct.
Anyways on to why I'm posting. Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment with the OB for the first time. Our office always does an ultrasound. Before getting there I was optimistic and happy to be pregnant again and knew that around the time this baby would to be born would be perfect timing with school and everything.
While doing the ultrasound though I got awful news of the baby not having a heartbeat. Being that I was 9 weeks 3 days there should have been one there as most of you know. They measured it, I'm sure to check the size but never did say if the baby was smaller and I could have just had my dates messed up. Getting that news was awful. I just sat there not sure what to do. I called and talked to my mom for a little bit before the doctor came in. Then he came in and gave me my options. I wasn't sure what I would do and am still a little uncertain. Tim doesn't care since it's me that it would affect (physically that is) not him.
After the doctor, I left to get Kenneth from our friends that were watching him. I just sat at their place until Tim got home. I should have been reading for homework but couldn't do anything but sit. I thankfully didn't have to say a word to them, they could tell. How can you not when your friend comes back crying and just wanting to hold their baby.
This is now two babies in a row that I won't have here on earth anymore. My heart is breaking and I really wish I lived in the same town as all my family. Friends have been great they really have but I want my family to hold onto and just cry. I want another cute baby to love and to hold.
To all my friends that have just announced their pregnancy I'm so very happy for you I really am! One day I hope to be able to announce again that we are pregnant and this baby is sticking around!
This is harder for me then last time, probably because I had no idea and had five full weeks of being excited and wondering how this baby would be in compare to Kenneth. I wish I had a newborn baby to hold right now. That may seem weird but I want to hold one that will sit still, unlike Kenneth who will let me hold him but moves all over the place!
This is it for now, I'll update later sometime about how I'm doing.
6 comments:
Rachel, I am so sorry you are going through this again.
Your post made my heart ache for you. Even after all this time, I still cry and can remember the pain of going through such a hard thing. I am sorry, so so sorry and wish I had words that would take away your pain.
If you need someone to talk to I am just a phone/email away...I wish I could be there in person.
We will be praying for you!
Ashleigh
Rachel.
Agh, this post gave me a pit in my stomach. Know we are praying for you to feel comfort. I know you are strong. The Lord knows your strong. I honestly think the strongest woman I know have gone through this because The Lord knows they (you) can handle it.
If there is anything I can go fur you from a distance... Let me know. We are praying for sure for you.
Oh Rachel I'm so sorry to hear this! We will be praying for you guys.
Rachel,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine. Please let me know if there is anything I can do, even just hang out to forget about things. You are in my thoughts and prayers!
-Emily
Rachel-
My heart just sunk as I read your blog. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could come give us you a big hug or do something for you. Let me know if you need anything from a distance away. Just remember that HF will always be there for you. You and your family are in our hearts and prayers.
Rachel I am so sorry. I have been there, done that 9 times. Three in a row after Jennifer was born. If you ever need to talk, feel free to talk to me. - Deena
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